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Behavior Information |
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The Complainer
Action: Why is my child behaving this way, what unmet needs does he or she have, and what specific things can I do to help him or her behave better?
- Primary Causes of Misbehavior
- Attention
This child needs to be able to do something that gets attention.
- Self-Confidence
This child has a very low feeling of self-worth and sees everybody else as to blame for his or her failure.
- Primary Needs Being Revealed
- Gender/Identity
Give this child opportunities to develop relationships.
- Escape from Pain
The complainer finds his or her own personal life very painful, and it becomes easier to blame everybody else rather than look into his or her own responsibilities.
- Secondary Needs Being Revealed
- Affiliation
This child may need a strong positive relationship with a parent or another child.
- Achievement
Academic success can reduce complaining.
- Power
The child is struggling for independence, but needs to channel energies in more constructive ways. The parent might explain that it is OK to complain constructively when a valid complaint exists. Thus the power need will be met and respected.
- Autonomy
This child needs to understand that he or she is in control of his or her success or failure as a person.
- Recognize that child complaints are usually the result of some kind of upset. The complaints are expressed by saying, "This isn't fair," or "I don't think we should have to do this."
- Don't overlook this one important facet of complaints: Interest is inherent in complaints. Complaints usually indicate involvement. That's why if we ignore a complaining child, we may turn interest off.
- For best results, allow a child to say what is on his or her mind. Complaints require a full explanation.
- Be personal. It's your best motivational tool. Tell your child that you do care. Use such phrases as "Let me help you," "Could we work on that together?" and "I think you have a good idea." Use personal pronouns, and your child will respond in positive ways.
- If your child is totally or partially right, correct the situation immediately and thank him or her for bringing the complaint to your attention. If the child is wrong, explain and give assurance in a caring way.
- Above all, don't do anything that makes either your child or the complaint appear unimportant.
- Study your child's activities and experiences to find out his or her real needs.
- Remember, this child fears failure, and bolsters his or her ego by complaining to the point that he or she believes the rationalization.
- Don't work on long-term goals. Rather, present more immediate goals through short-term tasks and responsibilities. Helping your child set short-term goals and selecting tasks that he or she can complete will give you the opportunity to reinforce your child's actions with consideration and encouragement.
- Don't react defensively to complaints. Accept them at face value with a comment such as "That may be a point I should consider." Then encourage private discussion and counseling by saying, "Could you give me a little time to think about it and we'll discuss it later?"
- Always have a private discussion. Talk about negative versus constructive criticism, saying, "If you're going to criticize, you must have solutions." This helps make the child accountable.
- When this child offers a complaint, treat him or her as you do your other children. Do not be quick to reject the complaint. Rather, try to create a situation in which you can discuss the complaint privately rather than publicly. Then you are in a position to help this child as well as maintain your relationship with your other children.
- During the private discussion, always begin the conversation by asking for your child's constructive criticism. Agree with any of his or her legitimate complaints. This is a key to developing a strong relationship, and enables you to establish a base for guiding your child toward gaining skill in voicing criticism in a positive, appropriate way. If you reject all criticism, all is lost.
- Don't appear offended or irritated. Listen sincerely. If possible, respond with immediate action. Regardless, be sure your child understands the reasons for the requirements or policy you have established. Children gain perspective from parent explanations. Usually, there are few complaints a parent cannot solve with communication.
- Give your child plenty of attention on a daily basis. Such a continuous program of attention is an important part of his or her guidance.
- Listen to your child. When you do, he or she may "bend your ear" so often that you'll feel the behavior is getting worse rather than better, but you'll be surprised at how much you will eventually help your child. He or she is often heard but seldom listened to.
- Never forget, the primary reason for complaining is to get attention. Don't let this need for attention get you down.
- When appropriate, make a point to compliment this child.
- Above all, know that this child must have success. This includes academic success as well as help to see the positive aspects of his or her life. Enlist the teacher's help.
- Don't encourage complaining. However, children do need to know you have an "open-door" policy. They need to know how to voice criticism.
- Explain that it's OK to be wrong and make mistakes.
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